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How do we objectively assess if a dialogue sounds unnatural or cringy?


How to do dialogue?How to shorten meandering dialogue?How to make a debate/discussion between characters less dry?How can I create better suspense in this passage?How to handle dialogue?How Much Dialogue Is Too Much DialogueHow realistic should dialogue and character voices be?How do I vary my dialogue?Writing dialogueOrdinary writing or Prose: how to make it immersive?













1















By unnatural, I don't mean ungrammatical, but something people wouldn't really say. For example, in many fictions, you find yourself in very weird situations and it's hard to know how a person would react and what they would say in such situations. Often, I feel people would stay silent and say irrational or dumb things, but that cannot really happen, but often when you make your character say something relevant, it often sounds very unnatural and sometimes even cringy. Let me give you an example:




Natalia: You turned me into a monster, how could you do that to me?



Robert: It was the only choice! You think we could have survived
otherwise? I made the call, because of that we're both alive. How
can't you see this!?



Natalia: You made the choice without letting me
decide my own fate. I cannot ever forgive you for this!



Robert: I don't care! Do as you want. If you want to die, go ahead, kill
yourself. It's as simple as it gets. No matter what you tell me, it's
not going to do any good. What's done is done!



Natalia: You pig!




As you can see, it kinda sounds awkward and ridiculous, but often it's not quite black and white, and it can be hard to tell especially if you've been writing a lot. So is there some kind of test or thought experiment you can use to make the determination that a dialogue is bad?










share|improve this question





























    1















    By unnatural, I don't mean ungrammatical, but something people wouldn't really say. For example, in many fictions, you find yourself in very weird situations and it's hard to know how a person would react and what they would say in such situations. Often, I feel people would stay silent and say irrational or dumb things, but that cannot really happen, but often when you make your character say something relevant, it often sounds very unnatural and sometimes even cringy. Let me give you an example:




    Natalia: You turned me into a monster, how could you do that to me?



    Robert: It was the only choice! You think we could have survived
    otherwise? I made the call, because of that we're both alive. How
    can't you see this!?



    Natalia: You made the choice without letting me
    decide my own fate. I cannot ever forgive you for this!



    Robert: I don't care! Do as you want. If you want to die, go ahead, kill
    yourself. It's as simple as it gets. No matter what you tell me, it's
    not going to do any good. What's done is done!



    Natalia: You pig!




    As you can see, it kinda sounds awkward and ridiculous, but often it's not quite black and white, and it can be hard to tell especially if you've been writing a lot. So is there some kind of test or thought experiment you can use to make the determination that a dialogue is bad?










    share|improve this question



























      1












      1








      1








      By unnatural, I don't mean ungrammatical, but something people wouldn't really say. For example, in many fictions, you find yourself in very weird situations and it's hard to know how a person would react and what they would say in such situations. Often, I feel people would stay silent and say irrational or dumb things, but that cannot really happen, but often when you make your character say something relevant, it often sounds very unnatural and sometimes even cringy. Let me give you an example:




      Natalia: You turned me into a monster, how could you do that to me?



      Robert: It was the only choice! You think we could have survived
      otherwise? I made the call, because of that we're both alive. How
      can't you see this!?



      Natalia: You made the choice without letting me
      decide my own fate. I cannot ever forgive you for this!



      Robert: I don't care! Do as you want. If you want to die, go ahead, kill
      yourself. It's as simple as it gets. No matter what you tell me, it's
      not going to do any good. What's done is done!



      Natalia: You pig!




      As you can see, it kinda sounds awkward and ridiculous, but often it's not quite black and white, and it can be hard to tell especially if you've been writing a lot. So is there some kind of test or thought experiment you can use to make the determination that a dialogue is bad?










      share|improve this question
















      By unnatural, I don't mean ungrammatical, but something people wouldn't really say. For example, in many fictions, you find yourself in very weird situations and it's hard to know how a person would react and what they would say in such situations. Often, I feel people would stay silent and say irrational or dumb things, but that cannot really happen, but often when you make your character say something relevant, it often sounds very unnatural and sometimes even cringy. Let me give you an example:




      Natalia: You turned me into a monster, how could you do that to me?



      Robert: It was the only choice! You think we could have survived
      otherwise? I made the call, because of that we're both alive. How
      can't you see this!?



      Natalia: You made the choice without letting me
      decide my own fate. I cannot ever forgive you for this!



      Robert: I don't care! Do as you want. If you want to die, go ahead, kill
      yourself. It's as simple as it gets. No matter what you tell me, it's
      not going to do any good. What's done is done!



      Natalia: You pig!




      As you can see, it kinda sounds awkward and ridiculous, but often it's not quite black and white, and it can be hard to tell especially if you've been writing a lot. So is there some kind of test or thought experiment you can use to make the determination that a dialogue is bad?







      creative-writing dialogue






      share|improve this question















      share|improve this question













      share|improve this question




      share|improve this question








      edited 1 hour ago







      repomonster

















      asked 2 hours ago









      repomonsterrepomonster

      1,570730




      1,570730






















          3 Answers
          3






          active

          oldest

          votes


















          2














          Trust your instinct. Period.



          You are right--I zoned out at 'You turned me into a monster.' Who says that? I mean, I don't know whether to cringe or LOL. I didn't read further, but forcing myself to do so--No. Just no.



          Try this:




          Natalia: "F*ck you."



          Robert: "I made the call. We're alive. End of story."



          Natalia scoffs in disgust. "Alive at what cost," she says under her breath.



          Robert: "If you want to die, go ahead. Otherwise, shut up."




          You are trying to explain so much in your dialog that I think we should coin the term 'diodump.' Trust your reader to get the emotional message without the technical details. Monster? What? Not needed.



          ETA in response to comments:




          Natalia: "F*ck you." She felt like a monster. Like he'd violated her--even though she'd signed the consent form, she never thought he'd actually give her the nano-bot injection.



          Robert: "I made the call. We're alive. End of story."



          Natalia scoffs in disgust. "Alive at what cost," she says under her breath. The knowledge that she'd spend the rest of her life with those things inside her, coursing through her veins, it made her ill.



          Robert: "If you want to die, go ahead. Terminate the bots. Otherwise, shut up."







          share|improve this answer


























          • Keep information to a minimum?

            – repomonster
            1 hour ago











          • @repomonster Imagine it playing out. Imagine your friends saying it. You could probably go either way, but try to hear it and trust your instincts. You are allowed to add narrative. I'll add an edit.

            – DPT
            1 hour ago













          • Also, what if she literally turned into a monster, because he modified her body somehow? I am saying that, because that's what I meant!

            – repomonster
            1 hour ago













          • Do the bots work as a suggestion, @repomonster ? You can alter the narrative to fit.

            – DPT
            1 hour ago



















          2














          Sadly I don't think there is an ISO standard test or something this can be run against, but like most parts of writing we can apply various tools to help us evaluate things.



          Examples of some of the evaluation steps I run stuff through:
          1. Does it fit with the character's other dialog, and does the pacing and tone match the scene? "I cannot..." while in a hurry might not flow as well as "I can't", unless someone is super formal by nature.





          1. Does it sound good?




            • Read it to yourself, have someone else read it to you, record and play it back, and ask yourself "Does this work?"

            • I personally find piping my work through text-to-speech software surprisingly handy for this.




          2. Does it get good feedback?




            • Beta readers are your friends [but sometimes you shouldn't use your friends for beta readers - Joining a writing circle or similar may be useful.] - Do other readers find it stands out in odd ways?




          3. Can better words be found?




            • If you're unsure about if you like a group of words, there is always the option to set the current ones aside and just rewrite the section for the sake of deciding if you like one better than the other.




          Also keep in mind the point that at times much more can be said with silence than with a thousand words.






          share|improve this answer








          New contributor




          TheLuckless is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
          Check out our Code of Conduct.




























            1














            Read it aloud. Flaws are often more apparent when heard - particularly in matters of flow and pacing.



            Would Natalia say that? How would Robert answer or would he even bother?



            Get inside your character’s head. What would you be feeling, thinking and eventually saying? Would you say anything at all?



            Perhaps a glare of astonished hatred would serve and say more with silence than words. Have her think livid thoughts, feel the outrage and loss of control. Be her - then slip inside him and respond.



            Would Robert just walk away, his task complete? Might he simply look at her with fond regret, seeing the alterations of which she is as yet unaware.




            She woke - almost surprised to as the last thing she remembered was
            getting hit, falling. Robert was there, had called for help. Wait -
            that blaster hit should have killed her - was killing her. Had it?



            She saw Robert, his back to her. He closed his surgical kit and
            disposed of four syringes. Wait - red syringe meant bots. God, not
            that. She clenched the side of the bed, not noticing the damage to the
            rail.



            Robert turned, seeing her glare. He noticed the damaged rail and knew
            it was a complete success. It would take time for the bots to complete
            their work and the prosthetic devices would work as well as her
            natural arm had - maybe better. The eye was not a good match to her
            natural colour, but she would be operational in a matter of days.



            He should avoid her until she adapted to her new life, she would thank
            him later. No choice, no time to waste. If she didn’t thank him, at
            least she was alive to hate him.







            share|improve this answer























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              3 Answers
              3






              active

              oldest

              votes








              3 Answers
              3






              active

              oldest

              votes









              active

              oldest

              votes






              active

              oldest

              votes









              2














              Trust your instinct. Period.



              You are right--I zoned out at 'You turned me into a monster.' Who says that? I mean, I don't know whether to cringe or LOL. I didn't read further, but forcing myself to do so--No. Just no.



              Try this:




              Natalia: "F*ck you."



              Robert: "I made the call. We're alive. End of story."



              Natalia scoffs in disgust. "Alive at what cost," she says under her breath.



              Robert: "If you want to die, go ahead. Otherwise, shut up."




              You are trying to explain so much in your dialog that I think we should coin the term 'diodump.' Trust your reader to get the emotional message without the technical details. Monster? What? Not needed.



              ETA in response to comments:




              Natalia: "F*ck you." She felt like a monster. Like he'd violated her--even though she'd signed the consent form, she never thought he'd actually give her the nano-bot injection.



              Robert: "I made the call. We're alive. End of story."



              Natalia scoffs in disgust. "Alive at what cost," she says under her breath. The knowledge that she'd spend the rest of her life with those things inside her, coursing through her veins, it made her ill.



              Robert: "If you want to die, go ahead. Terminate the bots. Otherwise, shut up."







              share|improve this answer


























              • Keep information to a minimum?

                – repomonster
                1 hour ago











              • @repomonster Imagine it playing out. Imagine your friends saying it. You could probably go either way, but try to hear it and trust your instincts. You are allowed to add narrative. I'll add an edit.

                – DPT
                1 hour ago













              • Also, what if she literally turned into a monster, because he modified her body somehow? I am saying that, because that's what I meant!

                – repomonster
                1 hour ago













              • Do the bots work as a suggestion, @repomonster ? You can alter the narrative to fit.

                – DPT
                1 hour ago
















              2














              Trust your instinct. Period.



              You are right--I zoned out at 'You turned me into a monster.' Who says that? I mean, I don't know whether to cringe or LOL. I didn't read further, but forcing myself to do so--No. Just no.



              Try this:




              Natalia: "F*ck you."



              Robert: "I made the call. We're alive. End of story."



              Natalia scoffs in disgust. "Alive at what cost," she says under her breath.



              Robert: "If you want to die, go ahead. Otherwise, shut up."




              You are trying to explain so much in your dialog that I think we should coin the term 'diodump.' Trust your reader to get the emotional message without the technical details. Monster? What? Not needed.



              ETA in response to comments:




              Natalia: "F*ck you." She felt like a monster. Like he'd violated her--even though she'd signed the consent form, she never thought he'd actually give her the nano-bot injection.



              Robert: "I made the call. We're alive. End of story."



              Natalia scoffs in disgust. "Alive at what cost," she says under her breath. The knowledge that she'd spend the rest of her life with those things inside her, coursing through her veins, it made her ill.



              Robert: "If you want to die, go ahead. Terminate the bots. Otherwise, shut up."







              share|improve this answer


























              • Keep information to a minimum?

                – repomonster
                1 hour ago











              • @repomonster Imagine it playing out. Imagine your friends saying it. You could probably go either way, but try to hear it and trust your instincts. You are allowed to add narrative. I'll add an edit.

                – DPT
                1 hour ago













              • Also, what if she literally turned into a monster, because he modified her body somehow? I am saying that, because that's what I meant!

                – repomonster
                1 hour ago













              • Do the bots work as a suggestion, @repomonster ? You can alter the narrative to fit.

                – DPT
                1 hour ago














              2












              2








              2







              Trust your instinct. Period.



              You are right--I zoned out at 'You turned me into a monster.' Who says that? I mean, I don't know whether to cringe or LOL. I didn't read further, but forcing myself to do so--No. Just no.



              Try this:




              Natalia: "F*ck you."



              Robert: "I made the call. We're alive. End of story."



              Natalia scoffs in disgust. "Alive at what cost," she says under her breath.



              Robert: "If you want to die, go ahead. Otherwise, shut up."




              You are trying to explain so much in your dialog that I think we should coin the term 'diodump.' Trust your reader to get the emotional message without the technical details. Monster? What? Not needed.



              ETA in response to comments:




              Natalia: "F*ck you." She felt like a monster. Like he'd violated her--even though she'd signed the consent form, she never thought he'd actually give her the nano-bot injection.



              Robert: "I made the call. We're alive. End of story."



              Natalia scoffs in disgust. "Alive at what cost," she says under her breath. The knowledge that she'd spend the rest of her life with those things inside her, coursing through her veins, it made her ill.



              Robert: "If you want to die, go ahead. Terminate the bots. Otherwise, shut up."







              share|improve this answer















              Trust your instinct. Period.



              You are right--I zoned out at 'You turned me into a monster.' Who says that? I mean, I don't know whether to cringe or LOL. I didn't read further, but forcing myself to do so--No. Just no.



              Try this:




              Natalia: "F*ck you."



              Robert: "I made the call. We're alive. End of story."



              Natalia scoffs in disgust. "Alive at what cost," she says under her breath.



              Robert: "If you want to die, go ahead. Otherwise, shut up."




              You are trying to explain so much in your dialog that I think we should coin the term 'diodump.' Trust your reader to get the emotional message without the technical details. Monster? What? Not needed.



              ETA in response to comments:




              Natalia: "F*ck you." She felt like a monster. Like he'd violated her--even though she'd signed the consent form, she never thought he'd actually give her the nano-bot injection.



              Robert: "I made the call. We're alive. End of story."



              Natalia scoffs in disgust. "Alive at what cost," she says under her breath. The knowledge that she'd spend the rest of her life with those things inside her, coursing through her veins, it made her ill.



              Robert: "If you want to die, go ahead. Terminate the bots. Otherwise, shut up."








              share|improve this answer














              share|improve this answer



              share|improve this answer








              edited 1 hour ago

























              answered 1 hour ago









              DPTDPT

              14.6k22885




              14.6k22885













              • Keep information to a minimum?

                – repomonster
                1 hour ago











              • @repomonster Imagine it playing out. Imagine your friends saying it. You could probably go either way, but try to hear it and trust your instincts. You are allowed to add narrative. I'll add an edit.

                – DPT
                1 hour ago













              • Also, what if she literally turned into a monster, because he modified her body somehow? I am saying that, because that's what I meant!

                – repomonster
                1 hour ago













              • Do the bots work as a suggestion, @repomonster ? You can alter the narrative to fit.

                – DPT
                1 hour ago



















              • Keep information to a minimum?

                – repomonster
                1 hour ago











              • @repomonster Imagine it playing out. Imagine your friends saying it. You could probably go either way, but try to hear it and trust your instincts. You are allowed to add narrative. I'll add an edit.

                – DPT
                1 hour ago













              • Also, what if she literally turned into a monster, because he modified her body somehow? I am saying that, because that's what I meant!

                – repomonster
                1 hour ago













              • Do the bots work as a suggestion, @repomonster ? You can alter the narrative to fit.

                – DPT
                1 hour ago

















              Keep information to a minimum?

              – repomonster
              1 hour ago





              Keep information to a minimum?

              – repomonster
              1 hour ago













              @repomonster Imagine it playing out. Imagine your friends saying it. You could probably go either way, but try to hear it and trust your instincts. You are allowed to add narrative. I'll add an edit.

              – DPT
              1 hour ago







              @repomonster Imagine it playing out. Imagine your friends saying it. You could probably go either way, but try to hear it and trust your instincts. You are allowed to add narrative. I'll add an edit.

              – DPT
              1 hour ago















              Also, what if she literally turned into a monster, because he modified her body somehow? I am saying that, because that's what I meant!

              – repomonster
              1 hour ago







              Also, what if she literally turned into a monster, because he modified her body somehow? I am saying that, because that's what I meant!

              – repomonster
              1 hour ago















              Do the bots work as a suggestion, @repomonster ? You can alter the narrative to fit.

              – DPT
              1 hour ago





              Do the bots work as a suggestion, @repomonster ? You can alter the narrative to fit.

              – DPT
              1 hour ago











              2














              Sadly I don't think there is an ISO standard test or something this can be run against, but like most parts of writing we can apply various tools to help us evaluate things.



              Examples of some of the evaluation steps I run stuff through:
              1. Does it fit with the character's other dialog, and does the pacing and tone match the scene? "I cannot..." while in a hurry might not flow as well as "I can't", unless someone is super formal by nature.





              1. Does it sound good?




                • Read it to yourself, have someone else read it to you, record and play it back, and ask yourself "Does this work?"

                • I personally find piping my work through text-to-speech software surprisingly handy for this.




              2. Does it get good feedback?




                • Beta readers are your friends [but sometimes you shouldn't use your friends for beta readers - Joining a writing circle or similar may be useful.] - Do other readers find it stands out in odd ways?




              3. Can better words be found?




                • If you're unsure about if you like a group of words, there is always the option to set the current ones aside and just rewrite the section for the sake of deciding if you like one better than the other.




              Also keep in mind the point that at times much more can be said with silence than with a thousand words.






              share|improve this answer








              New contributor




              TheLuckless is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
              Check out our Code of Conduct.

























                2














                Sadly I don't think there is an ISO standard test or something this can be run against, but like most parts of writing we can apply various tools to help us evaluate things.



                Examples of some of the evaluation steps I run stuff through:
                1. Does it fit with the character's other dialog, and does the pacing and tone match the scene? "I cannot..." while in a hurry might not flow as well as "I can't", unless someone is super formal by nature.





                1. Does it sound good?




                  • Read it to yourself, have someone else read it to you, record and play it back, and ask yourself "Does this work?"

                  • I personally find piping my work through text-to-speech software surprisingly handy for this.




                2. Does it get good feedback?




                  • Beta readers are your friends [but sometimes you shouldn't use your friends for beta readers - Joining a writing circle or similar may be useful.] - Do other readers find it stands out in odd ways?




                3. Can better words be found?




                  • If you're unsure about if you like a group of words, there is always the option to set the current ones aside and just rewrite the section for the sake of deciding if you like one better than the other.




                Also keep in mind the point that at times much more can be said with silence than with a thousand words.






                share|improve this answer








                New contributor




                TheLuckless is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
                Check out our Code of Conduct.























                  2












                  2








                  2







                  Sadly I don't think there is an ISO standard test or something this can be run against, but like most parts of writing we can apply various tools to help us evaluate things.



                  Examples of some of the evaluation steps I run stuff through:
                  1. Does it fit with the character's other dialog, and does the pacing and tone match the scene? "I cannot..." while in a hurry might not flow as well as "I can't", unless someone is super formal by nature.





                  1. Does it sound good?




                    • Read it to yourself, have someone else read it to you, record and play it back, and ask yourself "Does this work?"

                    • I personally find piping my work through text-to-speech software surprisingly handy for this.




                  2. Does it get good feedback?




                    • Beta readers are your friends [but sometimes you shouldn't use your friends for beta readers - Joining a writing circle or similar may be useful.] - Do other readers find it stands out in odd ways?




                  3. Can better words be found?




                    • If you're unsure about if you like a group of words, there is always the option to set the current ones aside and just rewrite the section for the sake of deciding if you like one better than the other.




                  Also keep in mind the point that at times much more can be said with silence than with a thousand words.






                  share|improve this answer








                  New contributor




                  TheLuckless is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
                  Check out our Code of Conduct.










                  Sadly I don't think there is an ISO standard test or something this can be run against, but like most parts of writing we can apply various tools to help us evaluate things.



                  Examples of some of the evaluation steps I run stuff through:
                  1. Does it fit with the character's other dialog, and does the pacing and tone match the scene? "I cannot..." while in a hurry might not flow as well as "I can't", unless someone is super formal by nature.





                  1. Does it sound good?




                    • Read it to yourself, have someone else read it to you, record and play it back, and ask yourself "Does this work?"

                    • I personally find piping my work through text-to-speech software surprisingly handy for this.




                  2. Does it get good feedback?




                    • Beta readers are your friends [but sometimes you shouldn't use your friends for beta readers - Joining a writing circle or similar may be useful.] - Do other readers find it stands out in odd ways?




                  3. Can better words be found?




                    • If you're unsure about if you like a group of words, there is always the option to set the current ones aside and just rewrite the section for the sake of deciding if you like one better than the other.




                  Also keep in mind the point that at times much more can be said with silence than with a thousand words.







                  share|improve this answer








                  New contributor




                  TheLuckless is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
                  Check out our Code of Conduct.









                  share|improve this answer



                  share|improve this answer






                  New contributor




                  TheLuckless is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
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                  answered 1 hour ago









                  TheLucklessTheLuckless

                  1812




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                      1














                      Read it aloud. Flaws are often more apparent when heard - particularly in matters of flow and pacing.



                      Would Natalia say that? How would Robert answer or would he even bother?



                      Get inside your character’s head. What would you be feeling, thinking and eventually saying? Would you say anything at all?



                      Perhaps a glare of astonished hatred would serve and say more with silence than words. Have her think livid thoughts, feel the outrage and loss of control. Be her - then slip inside him and respond.



                      Would Robert just walk away, his task complete? Might he simply look at her with fond regret, seeing the alterations of which she is as yet unaware.




                      She woke - almost surprised to as the last thing she remembered was
                      getting hit, falling. Robert was there, had called for help. Wait -
                      that blaster hit should have killed her - was killing her. Had it?



                      She saw Robert, his back to her. He closed his surgical kit and
                      disposed of four syringes. Wait - red syringe meant bots. God, not
                      that. She clenched the side of the bed, not noticing the damage to the
                      rail.



                      Robert turned, seeing her glare. He noticed the damaged rail and knew
                      it was a complete success. It would take time for the bots to complete
                      their work and the prosthetic devices would work as well as her
                      natural arm had - maybe better. The eye was not a good match to her
                      natural colour, but she would be operational in a matter of days.



                      He should avoid her until she adapted to her new life, she would thank
                      him later. No choice, no time to waste. If she didn’t thank him, at
                      least she was alive to hate him.







                      share|improve this answer




























                        1














                        Read it aloud. Flaws are often more apparent when heard - particularly in matters of flow and pacing.



                        Would Natalia say that? How would Robert answer or would he even bother?



                        Get inside your character’s head. What would you be feeling, thinking and eventually saying? Would you say anything at all?



                        Perhaps a glare of astonished hatred would serve and say more with silence than words. Have her think livid thoughts, feel the outrage and loss of control. Be her - then slip inside him and respond.



                        Would Robert just walk away, his task complete? Might he simply look at her with fond regret, seeing the alterations of which she is as yet unaware.




                        She woke - almost surprised to as the last thing she remembered was
                        getting hit, falling. Robert was there, had called for help. Wait -
                        that blaster hit should have killed her - was killing her. Had it?



                        She saw Robert, his back to her. He closed his surgical kit and
                        disposed of four syringes. Wait - red syringe meant bots. God, not
                        that. She clenched the side of the bed, not noticing the damage to the
                        rail.



                        Robert turned, seeing her glare. He noticed the damaged rail and knew
                        it was a complete success. It would take time for the bots to complete
                        their work and the prosthetic devices would work as well as her
                        natural arm had - maybe better. The eye was not a good match to her
                        natural colour, but she would be operational in a matter of days.



                        He should avoid her until she adapted to her new life, she would thank
                        him later. No choice, no time to waste. If she didn’t thank him, at
                        least she was alive to hate him.







                        share|improve this answer


























                          1












                          1








                          1







                          Read it aloud. Flaws are often more apparent when heard - particularly in matters of flow and pacing.



                          Would Natalia say that? How would Robert answer or would he even bother?



                          Get inside your character’s head. What would you be feeling, thinking and eventually saying? Would you say anything at all?



                          Perhaps a glare of astonished hatred would serve and say more with silence than words. Have her think livid thoughts, feel the outrage and loss of control. Be her - then slip inside him and respond.



                          Would Robert just walk away, his task complete? Might he simply look at her with fond regret, seeing the alterations of which she is as yet unaware.




                          She woke - almost surprised to as the last thing she remembered was
                          getting hit, falling. Robert was there, had called for help. Wait -
                          that blaster hit should have killed her - was killing her. Had it?



                          She saw Robert, his back to her. He closed his surgical kit and
                          disposed of four syringes. Wait - red syringe meant bots. God, not
                          that. She clenched the side of the bed, not noticing the damage to the
                          rail.



                          Robert turned, seeing her glare. He noticed the damaged rail and knew
                          it was a complete success. It would take time for the bots to complete
                          their work and the prosthetic devices would work as well as her
                          natural arm had - maybe better. The eye was not a good match to her
                          natural colour, but she would be operational in a matter of days.



                          He should avoid her until she adapted to her new life, she would thank
                          him later. No choice, no time to waste. If she didn’t thank him, at
                          least she was alive to hate him.







                          share|improve this answer













                          Read it aloud. Flaws are often more apparent when heard - particularly in matters of flow and pacing.



                          Would Natalia say that? How would Robert answer or would he even bother?



                          Get inside your character’s head. What would you be feeling, thinking and eventually saying? Would you say anything at all?



                          Perhaps a glare of astonished hatred would serve and say more with silence than words. Have her think livid thoughts, feel the outrage and loss of control. Be her - then slip inside him and respond.



                          Would Robert just walk away, his task complete? Might he simply look at her with fond regret, seeing the alterations of which she is as yet unaware.




                          She woke - almost surprised to as the last thing she remembered was
                          getting hit, falling. Robert was there, had called for help. Wait -
                          that blaster hit should have killed her - was killing her. Had it?



                          She saw Robert, his back to her. He closed his surgical kit and
                          disposed of four syringes. Wait - red syringe meant bots. God, not
                          that. She clenched the side of the bed, not noticing the damage to the
                          rail.



                          Robert turned, seeing her glare. He noticed the damaged rail and knew
                          it was a complete success. It would take time for the bots to complete
                          their work and the prosthetic devices would work as well as her
                          natural arm had - maybe better. The eye was not a good match to her
                          natural colour, but she would be operational in a matter of days.



                          He should avoid her until she adapted to her new life, she would thank
                          him later. No choice, no time to waste. If she didn’t thank him, at
                          least she was alive to hate him.








                          share|improve this answer












                          share|improve this answer



                          share|improve this answer










                          answered 29 mins ago









                          RasdashanRasdashan

                          6,3721041




                          6,3721041






























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